ITHACA, NY—Warning that the flora in the immediate vicinity withers and turns black at an alarming rate, scientists from Cornell University alerted the public Monday that all plant life within a 30-yard radius of each of presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s campaign signs is rapidly dying off. “Within several hours of placing a ‘Cruz 2016’ placard into the ground, it appears that a fast-spreading blight begins to emanate outward in all directions from the sign, desiccating and destroying every blade of grass, flower, and tree in its path,” said researcher Martha Pastuck, adding that tests of the soil beneath the Ted Cruz yard signs revealed it to be highly acidic and often scalding to the touch. “We’ve also recorded several instances of heavily rotted deer carcasses found lying nearby, likely after the animals ate some of the afflicted foliage. We would recommend that all people, especially the elderly, infirm, and pregnant women, maintain a safe distance from all Ted Cruz signage.” Pastuck added that the research team can only comment on the conditions surrounding individual Cruz placards, noting that lawns or highway medians containing multiple signs are undergoing too much seismic activity to safely approach.
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